I wish Camps would stop laughing every time she opens the door to Eoghain!!! He's called around three times in as many hours and Camps finds it absolutely hilarious... and he doesn't even realise she's laughing at him............

I can't believe how bad tonight has been! I'm so frustrated! Everything was going good, Eoghain told me to dress up because he was taking me for quite a drive to somewhere really special, so I put one of my best dinner dresses on and he picked me up at six sharp and he looked really nice... and he drove... and drove... and drove...

...and ended up at my Mum's restaurant.

I couldn't believe it!

I asked him why we were here, trying my hardest not to be shocked, and he was so pleased with himself for finding out that it was my Mum's restaurant and he thought I would be so pleased, as if I hadn't ever eaten in there before...

So I walk in and Mum had decided to spend that night overlooking the restaurant - I've never felt so awkward in my whole life. Her eyes were questioning me every time she looked over, and I felt so embarrassed with Eoghain insisted on introducing himself to her. I could tell straight away that she doesn't like him. When Eoghain went to the toilets Mum came straight over and asked me what I was doing here with Eoghain when I should be with Josh at this very difficult time. So then I had to give Mum a condensed 10-second explanation on why me and Josh weren't exactly talking, leaving out all of the details. Mum was really great after that and said we'd talk about it more later, and that hopefully things will sort out between us. But just before Eoghain returned to our table she said, 'in the meantime you shouldn't date this dim young boy to make you realise how much you love Josh'.

Grrr. I hate how Mums know it all!!!

So anyway I insisted to Eoghain that I had to go home because I had an important meeting tomorrow morning. He drove us home, mentioning a million times how disappointed he was that the date couldn't last longer. He kissed me at the end of the night.

And that was that.

Eoghain's been in touch loads last night and this morning, he seems really eager which makes me feel a bit apprehensive. He won't stop going on about this 'fabulous restaurant' that he's driving me to tomorrow night, and he says he's booked us a hotel.... which me and Camps are really not happy about, even to the extent that Camps might come in disguise as soon as she knows where we are. I mean... a hotel. Bit soon? I made up an excuse about having to be back early the next morning for uni, and he said he'll see how I feel tomorrow...

I think Camps is going back to Cambridge and I feel I should be there too. But I can't go where I'm not wanted.... so......

Going to go to the library for some books and then spend all day on my essays, see if I can get my head around them. I've had so much fun these first six weeks of uni but now it looks as though the fun stops and the hard work starts!!!! Bad times.

Everyone's making a big deal about me being spotted out to dinner with Eoghain last night. I don't see what the big problem is, but there was this huge hype surrounding Josh and I and I think most people thought we were together... so now they think I'm cheating on him.

Hmmm I wonder who started this rumour? SFS so needs to grow up. Karma is a bitch and it's just going to come back to her so bad one day.

I'm really looking forward to Eoghain's party at the weekend, how fun is it going to be!!!! I might dress up as a cat... but I guess that's not scary... or with all these rumours going around I might go in a mask so that no-one recognises me!

Most of the girls have gone home for the week because they don't have lectures, so I'm a bit lonely here by myself, need to speak to Camps and see when she's back home.

So I went out tonight with Eoghain expecting to be a bit iffy with the situation because of what's been going on. But ahh it was great!!! He looked so gorgeous in a shirt and tie and told me how gorgeous I looked in my new dress - he took me to Bistro Pierre, and insisted on paying for the whole thing. We had such a nice night talking non-stop and he's rather cute, and those muscles....

We had a really fun night and when he walked me home he gave me a little kiss and it was really nice. He asked me out to dinner again on Thursday night and I told him yes... and my heart is beating a little bit and ahhh!

Oh, and it's his birthday on Saturday, so he's having a birthday/halloween party at Superfly on Friday night and wants me and all the gang to come. Should be fun!!!!! I'm going to ring Camps asap to arrange outfits!!!!

The meeting with my tutor went well and I'm well on the way for a good dissertation idea. But on my way back I bumped into Summer and she made a scene about me and Josh falling out. I don't know who but someone's leaking information out and I hate it. So I tried my best to cope with Summer and just smiled at her and asked her where her friends were, before walking away.
I got back home and Ollie told me he had bumped into Summer earlier this morning... so there we go. Him and his big mouth. When we got home last night we talked for ages and almost sorted things out... we're on talking terms but I don't exactly like being alone with him. So just when we had sorted things out he goes and tells Summer about what's going on. He said he only mentioned it and knowing Summer she's just exaggerated it and invented her own version. Still, I'm annoyed with Ollie for talking to her.

Oh, and Eoghain called to ask if I wanted to go for dinner tonight... and I thought, why not? So I told him why not.

So it looks as though I have a date...!

I think it's safe to say me liking Josh was the biggest mistake I ever made. I was totally stupid to think that he could like someone like me.

I woke up this morning and Josh was still asleep... then I fell back sleep, woke up five minutes ago and he isn't here. I'm assuming he's at the hospital and didn't want to wake me, although my phone battery's dead so I can't find out. It's really cold and I've put on one of his jumpers to keep warm. I'm so tired, but contemplating going down to the hospital to keep him company.

I rang Ollie quickly this morning, it was really weird but I thought I needed to let him know what was happening, seems as he's one of Josh's oldest friends. He said he'd try and make it down, so we'll see later.

I tried to get in touch with Camps but she's working solidly all weekend, and she'll be back in Hallam tomorrow. I really want to stay here but I've got a meeting with my dissertation tutor tomorrow morning, so I'm going to maybe drive down tonight if I'm awake enough.

Argh I don't know what to do to try and make myself useful. I don't even really know if Josh wants me here; after all we did fall out. I just hope he's okay.

Me and Josh went for a walk earlier when we got back from the hospital. He hadn't said a single word all day to anyone, but when we were alone again he finally started talking.

We went to the canal and sat down on a bench and it was absolutely freezing, and Josh put his arm around me; I think it was comfort for him as well as keeping me warm. He told me lots of stories about what he, Mikey and Jordon did when they were younger. Some of them included his Mum, some of them didn't. It was nice to sit down and hear him talk about it, and he even laughed a few times.

It was silent between us again for a while, and I didn't really know what to say to him about what's happened. He hasn't told me how he feels and he hasn't really spoken about it; he hasn't really shown his emotions yet either and I can see that he's trying his hardest to act strong.

I really enjoyed our walk but I wasn't sure whether Josh wanted to be alone for a bit with his family, although he didn't ask me to leave so I went back to his house and everyone was there; his Dad, Jordon, Mikey and their Grandparents. Mikey was really upset and confused about the situation and didn't understand where his Mum was, but he calmed down a bit when he saw Josh and he sat with him for a while whilst I helped their Nana make some food.

The house was so quiet all night and no-one really ate anything. I feel so awful for them all, it must be so horrible for them to have to go through all of this after already being put through it once before. I honestly had no idea.

Josh has just come into his room from his shower and he looks so deflated. Utterly gorgeous, but deflated. I don't know what to say to make him feel any better but hopefully me being here is enough.

Everything isn't okay. Josh's Mum is very, very ill, and has been for some time. I didn't know anything about it, and right now I daren't ask, but I'm so glad that I decided to drive over to Cambridge.

Josh was in an awful state when I arrived. I got there just as the doctor told them that their Mum's cancer has returned. It was the most heartbreaking news for me, I can't even imagine how it felt for Josh and Jordon. Josh spaced out and would have collapsed if he hadn't been helped onto a chair. I sat with him and tried to console him the best I could but he didn't cry; he was in shock and just stared into space, his head bowed and eyes empty.

I've never seen him like that before and I'm so worried about him. He was spaced out for the rest of night, in shock, not talking and not answering to anything; I don't even think he knew I was there.

Eventually we persuaded him to leave the hospital and I drove him home. Their Dad had arrived and he and Jordon stayed there but Josh wasn't in the right frame of mind to stay. I drove us back with directions from Jordon and tried to get Josh to get some rest but he didn't listen to me; he went onto his computer and mumbled that he wasn't tired.

I must have fallen asleep about 5am, I woke up at 9am and Josh was finally asleep next to me, his hair in his eyes and his face all pale and tired. I feel awful for him, I really do. Jordon came home this morning to collect some things for his Mum; he said she's in theatre and that's the only update that they have. I know Josh might be mad that I haven't woken him but after last night I think he needs some more rest.

Mikey is staying with their Grandparents for a couple of days, to make sure he doesn't get distressed. He was really excited about seeing me this morning and didn't really understand what was going on - it's heartbreaking.

I'm really tired so I might lay down with Josh for a couple of hours and get some rest. I feel so awful for him.

I've just had a really panicked phone call from Camps saying that Josh's and Jordon's Mum has collapsed and been rushed to A&E in Cambridge. So now I'm really worried and Camps can't be there because she's in London for the weekend, so I'm going to drive down.

Apparently Josh is in a state and their Dad is working away... I'm putting some overnight things into a bag now and I'm going to get over there as soon as I can.

I hope everything is ok.

It feels so good to be home!!! I even ate the meal Mum cooked for me tonight, it was the best!!
I tried to call Josh today but he ignored my calls, so it's obvious that I've upset him. All my parents could talk about was the ball but after dinner I talked to Corey about everything and he said the only way things were going to work out was if I put all my cards on the table and let Josh know how I feel.

But I just don't know if I can make that step. I really am smitten with him but I don't know if I can say that to him and give him all of me. What if he throws it back in my face? I'm scared about being hurt again. I know that if anything happened between Josh and I then Summer would try to step in and ruin it at the first opportunity, and I can't stand the thought of Josh giving into her again.

Argh stop it!!! I've come home to get away from everything for the weekend. Shut up Lil.

Eoghain kept texting me this morning whilst I was in lectures and then he called me leaving a message asking if I wanted to go out with him tonight. I talked to Camps about it and she said he does like me and would probably want something to happen between us but if I made it clear I just wanted to be friends with him then he'd be okay with that.

So I accepted his offer to hang out tonight, and I'm quite looking forward to it. I enjoyed all the time we spent together last week, and he is a total hottie, and even though I like Josh I don't mind being friends with Eoghain as long as he can keep it that way.

I think I'm going to go home tomorrow, Corey said he'll be popping over too so I'm going to go and see them all, really looking forward to it.

I'm going to the pub with Eoghain at eight so that gives me enough time to get on with my ethics essay... fun times...

I hate the way me and Josh never run smoothly. One of us always does something to upset the other and that's why we're not working out. Last night I went out with Eoghain and he was really nice and just friendly, but after a few drinks he told me how much he liked me, and even though I told him I was a bit relunctant, he kept taking my hand etc and telling me how pretty I was. Which was totally flattering, but all I could think about was Josh.

He walked me home quite early because I was really tired and when we got to the gates he tried to kiss me. To be honest I was a bit tempted and I did kiss him back for a split second before I saw someone standing in front of us and it was Josh, stood holding a bouquet of flowers. When he looked at me his eyes were so hurt, and I felt so guilty. I asked him what he was doing here and he said he came to apologise about the other night. I swear if I hadn't made the decision to stay away I would have jumped into his arms right there and then. But he probably wouldn't have let me, because he was really upset with what he saw and he gave me the flowers before saying he would leave us to it... and then he walked away.

I'm gutted that I've upset him and I'm mad that this always happens. I really wish everything wasn't so complicated, but if it is this complicated then maybe it's not meant to be?

Okay so maybe I shouldn't stay in all of the time... it's so quiet when all of the girls go out and I have so much time to sit down and contemplate things! Which is never good.

I can't believe it's Christmas soon! I really need to start buying my presents. Our parents totally spoil us at Christmas and we have huge family gatherings practically every day of the holidays. There's always something going on and I love it; I love the way Mum decorates the whole house and I love seeing all of Dad's Christmas productions at Chic. Mum's been on about his end of year party non-stop and it's getting me quite excited about it too. Apparently she's been on the phone to Josh's Mum quite a bit and they've struck up quite a friendship, which is really nice, but a shame because I haven't told her that me and Josh aren't exactly together like she thinks we are, and I guess Josh hasn't told his Mum either. Anyway Mum said that she didn't realise Josh's Mum was a fashion designer and was already a very good aquaintance of Dad's, he didn't realise that she was Josh's Mum and so she received two invites; an official one in the post and an informal one over the phone. Mum said she had only just got back to work after being off for the past year for 'personal reasons', which maybe could be her taking time out to look after Josh's brother. Anyway so both families are really excited about the party, and I guess me and Josh have to sort things out.

This year it's going to be really important for me; Dad knew that I always wanted to go into fashion journalism and him being the sensible businessman he is made me promise that I would study at uni like every one else before I got a job; either by him or another company. He knew there was already enough gossip going around Hallam about me being the favourite and we agreed that I had to work for it the same as every body else; and besides, if he gave me a job and then something happened to him or the company, I would be out on my own with no qualifications. So now that I'm coming up to graduation next year I'll be looking for someone to take me on and instead of just choosing Dad's company I want to keep my options open. And all of the big people are going to be there on Nov 15th and I really have to impress them. I'm really nervous but really excited, and to be honest I can't think of anyone else I would like to be on the arm of rather than Josh.

Which pretty much explains everything doesn't it...

Camps found jama-gate absolutely hilarious this morning and wouldn't stop talking about it for ages. She actually really cheered me up, I love it when she makes fun of me she's so funny. And it's really nice to see her happy too. Jordon stayed over last night and they looked so cute together in the kitchen this morning. He's like 4 years older than her but they really suit each other - it's really funny because he's mental just like her, although Josh is much more chilled out. I kind of wish he had knocked on the door last night but after the argument we had I guess he didn't feel confident enough.

I've just got back from lectures and apparently Summer hasn't been seen out and about for a few days now. Not that I've noticed, but looking back on it I guess I haven't heard anything from her which is quite strange. Maybe she's gone home because she's broken a nail, or something...
I'm feeling really homesick again and might go home for the weekend to sort myself out. The only thing that's stopping me is that I know Mum's going to think I've lost a lot of weight and she's going to start going on about me not eating again. It's a bit of a private issue that hasn't got any further than my family - we've all been so concerned over the past few years about Camps that we never mention anything about it - but I can feel myself not eating too. And it's not good, I know, but I just can't help myself. I like to be in control of one thing in my life and seems as everything else is spiralling out, food is the one thing I can focus on and keep under control. I just like being skinny; that's the way it goes. I know I'm tall and naturally thin yadda yadda but Mum's going to notice and - like I'm 5 again - tell me off.

We need to start thinking of how to celebrate Halloween next week, I'm not sure where to go or who to invite but I guess it'll be nice if we all get together and can do something without anything kicking off again. I might even throw a party at home, just to get away from Hallam for a bit.
I've had a couple of text messages from Eoghain this morning asking if I wanted to go for coffee and I'm really tempted, and I feel guilty for letting him down, but my head's just not in the right place. Maybe some other time.

I can't believe what's just happened... I think I've just about died from shame...

The girls went to the pub and I heard them all come in about an hour ago, so it must have been too busy to stay there and they've decided to come back. It was really cold and I had nothing to do so I put my thickest snoopy pyjamas on - saved for winter alone times - and worked on my dissertation for a few hours.

They were really rowdy so I went out to get a drink... and there was Josh in the kitchen. Sat down playing ring of fire with all the girls, and Jordon and most of Josh's housemates from 110, who of course couldn't help but make comments about my 'cute pjs', making Josh look up and realise I had walked in, then blushing, then me blushing, then everyone sniggering at each other because Josh and Lilly are so obviously meant to be yadda yadda...

Soooo I kind of grabbed my juice and ran back to my room. And here I am. And I hope Josh doesn't knock on the door; I might actually change back into my clothes just so I stop looking like a 5 year old live woodstock.

I've just had a phone call from the manager of this place saying there was a parcel downstairs for me... so I went to collect it and it's a big bouquet of roses. They're gorgeous, but there was no name or message on them so I don't know who they're from.

If they're from Eoghain I would be flattered, if they are from Josh I would go and see him and if they're from Ollie...?

Who knows.

All the girls are dressed up, very drunk and ready to go out for the student night but I'm just not up for it tonight. I'm in my jamas in bed with my laptop and Pretty in Pink to watch. I just feel so fed up from Saturday and if I bump into anyone I know I'll get upset.

Rebecca's gone home and I miss her already even though she annoys me sometimes. When Ollie left earlier I got a bit mad with her and yelled at her about bringing him around, and she got quite upset and said she thought we were best friends, and pointed out that we had been since we were babies. I just nodded; I couldn't bring myself to tell her what happened, and she's 17 she can make up her own mind about what she does and who she sees, I just told her to be careful. But secretly inside if he tries to even touch her again I'm going to make his life not worth living. Imagine what he can do to a naive 17 year old? And that sounds awful because I really do love him dearly but I don't know him any more, and that's the saddest part. I could forgive him tomorrow if there was a glimpse of my old Ollie in his eyes but there's not. He's changed and I don't know what's wrong with him but I've got a feeling that things can't get back to normal.

Come to think of it, I'm quite lonely. I'm sick of the arguing and sick of falling out with people, but I don't know when it's going to end.

Okay so this whole thing with Eoghain.

It's not happening.

I have far too much on my mind right now, with Josh and Summer and Ollie and Rebecca, I can't bring Eoghain into the equation too. It's really flattering that he likes me and another day and time I may like him too but I know where my mind lies and it's not with him.

I'm going to get loads of work done this week, shy away from the rumours and gossip and hopefully by next week everything will be a little quieter.

Me and Josh aren't talking. I stayed over last night because I couldn't get home and this morning was the most awkward thing ever. I can't believe I slapped him last night when he kissed me - I like him so much I wanted him to kiss me and then I slapped him? Such a stupid idiot.
He told me how much he liked me and everything... he said he was crazy about me. But this was two minutes after I saw him with Summer's arms wrapped around his neck. She was whispering in his ear and pressing herself against him and argh I was so upset. But after thinking about it this morning I've realised that he was probably telling the truth and Summer just threw herself on him. It wouldn't surprise me.

But it's too late now because things are ruined between us. The party was so good but after that argument things just changed. Eoghain kissed me, although that's a totally different matter. Will come to it later. Josh went upstairs and I followed him to apologise for slapping him, and we caught Ollie and Rebecca making out in his room. I'm so disappointed in Ollie, I can't believe he would do something like that after everything that's happened between us. And Rebecca's naive but I don't know what made her go for Ollie, he's not even her type and she's never showed an interest in him.

Ollie got really horrible and it turned into a bit of a fight between him and Josh. Ollie even went to hit Josh with me in the way at one point and Josh did well to get me out of the way, even if it did mean throwing me on the floor.

I went downstairs afterwards to find Eoghain but he had gone home so I asked Josh if I could stay over. Things were sooo awkward between us, it was horrible, but I must have fell asleep really quickly, and I woke up really late today and things were even more horrible, Josh was being really cold and I didn't know what to say to him but eventually I apologised to him for the argument we had. And you know what he said? That I shouldn't have listened to anything he said, because he was drunk.

I'm gutted about that, and I don't know why he said it but he did.

I came home and Ollie is here. I don't know what the hell Rebecca's playing at, but I just haven't got the energy to talk to either of them, I don't even want to look at Ollie so I've just come straight into my room.

I'm going to think about things and see what I want from everything. I really want to go home but it's Monday tomorrow and I've got uni work to do. I think I'm going to throw myself into that until things calm down and then try and talk things through with Josh.

Okay so Camps' plan worked; she surprised me earlier by presenting me with a wonderful, gorgeous, hand-made Wonder Woman outfit. She went to so much effort to make it, and it fitted so perfectly, and her face was so adorable, that I just couldn't say no. I know she had done it on purpose, but it was so sweet of her, and she said I look so hot in it that I have to go.

And so I'm going. But Eoghain is coming too, to keep me company. And so I'm at his house now, making him a Robin outfit. I'm sure someone else will be going as Robin but we thought it was the best outfit to make, so we're going for it! I've been sewing green fabric all day, and so far he looks really cool.

I really like Eoghain. God why do I fall for all of these nice guys? But he's so great to me, so funny and he has such a cute face, he's completely gorgeous and his accent... ok so I need to stop thinking about guys for at least a day... I know I'm so bad.

But earlier when I was measuring him for his outfit he took his top off and he has the most incredible body. The thing is, that he's not as broad as Josh and he doesn't quite have the eight-pack thing going on yet like Josh does, but god he is ripped! Look at me I'm so lame, I even make myself laugh! Anyway, enough of the school-girl talk.

We're almost finished making his outfit, and I've even eaten lunch today... a whole sandwich. I'm proud, anyway. Tonight is going to be good, I'm determined for it to be! I can't wait to catch up with Josh, but I'm also nervous about seeing him. I get that strange feeling every time I look at him. I hate wanting him, because I know I can't have him because of what he's done. And I'm gutted, but that's the way it has to be.

Rebecca's hereeeee!! I'm so pleased! Although she's come with a hell of a lot of luggage! Mum, Dad and Corey drove over at noon, and I've just come back from us all having lunch and a good shop. Jesus we bought loads! Corey must have spent at least £2,000 on me, probably because he felt bad for what happened between him and Josh. He had already made up for it though, but knew I was upset with him. And as fickle as it sounds, he does know that I love a new handbag. And he bought me the most beautiful hangbag in the wholeeeee entireeeeeeee universe!!! Ahhh I get butterflies every time I look at it! It's a huuuge blue lambskin tote and ahh it's the most beautiful thing ever! I love it! I'm so spoilt, but can't complain really! Really cheered me up.

I made Camps very jealous with my brand new bag for about half an hour before we all went food shopping together and Dad got us in loads of food. Honestly, he transfers £1,500 to my account every month and then still insists on taking me food shopping; he did it like every month last term. But with Camps he worries that we don't eat; anyway we stocked up on loooads of good food, there's no bad food in sight, which made Camps feel a lot better.

Mum wouldn't stop asking me about Josh, and then Becca joined in too. And I don't know why but I told them that we were good... I just didn't want to go into the whole mess of things... but it was a big mistake because Mum said Dad was throwing another end of year party for Chic and she thinks I should bring Josh. I said he probably wouldn't want to come... and then Dad said he had already been in touch with Josh's parents and they would all love to come. I can't believe it, my parents sometimes!! I think Corey was the only one who clicked on and realised things weren't all that peachy, because he pulled me aside later in the kitchen and asked me if everything was okay. I explained everything and he said that by the look on my face, I really wanted to patch things up with him. And I know he's right.

And so I usually get excited about Dad's mag launch parties like months in advance and I should have known this was coming up but with everything that's happened I forgot all about it. And now it looks like I'm going to it and bringing Josh with me. I do love them, it's the industry I want to go into and absolutely everyone's going to be there, but argh. I'm guessing Josh wouldn't want to come with me.

I've got a few weeks to think about it - it's November 15th, and my parents know that we have reading week that week, so I can't say there's no way we can get down to London. And besides, Dad's already ordered dresses for me and Becca [who like always is trying to find a boyfriend before the day arrives]

However, I've only got a day to think about whether I'm going to 110's party. Argh.

Just got in from pound a pint at the pub tonight, and I'm all smiles, I've had such a great day!! Coffee with Eoghain was great, it's really nice to have someone neutral to talk to who won't take sides and won't judge me. We just sat and talked for ages, me telling me everything that's happened and then him telling me about coming over from Ireland to study. Oh my God, he is oh-so-cute! He really is. I am really attracted to him but there's so many things going through my head that I can't really concentrate on another guy right now. I've not long been single from Jamie, and then what with everything that happened with Josh...

I didn't exactly tell Eoghain about me and Josh, because I didn't want things to be awkward when we all hung out together. I just said that we were friends, and mainly talked about Jamie and Summer.

I spotted Lauren whilst we were having coffee and her Josh and Jordon came over for a little while to chat. Josh looked really shy and I got butterflies in my stomach when I looked at him. He's completely gorgeous, and he really doesn't know it. I love that about him.

I tried so hard not to make things seem awkward between us, and I think I pulled it off pretty well. But when we went to the pub later on they joined us again and things seemed a bit quiet from Josh's end. It may have been because I was talking to Eoghain a lot, Josh may have felt pushed out. I was trying my hardest to involve him in the conversation, but he didn't really seem interested. I got him alone by the bar and asked him if everything was okay, and he said he was fine, just in a bit of pain with his ribs. I knew he was lying and found the situation between us really awkward, so I stayed at the bar with him for a bit and when we went to sit back down I let Camps shuffle over next to Eoghain and I sat next to Josh. We made small talk for a while, and Josh perked up a little bit. Our gaze held a bit longer than it should have a few times, and I could feel myself blushing but tried to get away with it.

Argh I don't know what to do. I like Josh so much. It's just so hard knowing what he did with Summer. If only he had told her where to shove it, honestly everything could have been working out so great for us right now. I'm really gutted about it, and I knew Camps could tell because she kept looking over.

Josh asked me if I was coming to the party on Saturday and I said I didn't know. He said he'd really like it if I was there, and maybe we could catch up because we haven't seen each other a lot. I'd like that, but I wouldn't want to put a dampener on his night.
Argh. Really don't know what to do.

Camps went straight off to Josh's house with Jordon and Eoghain only lives down the road from them, so Josh walked me home. We walked arm in arm... it was nice. When we got to my door I tried to act as normal as possible but I was really dying to kiss him. I think he was thinking the same, I could tell with the way he was looking at me. But after a bit of small talk I leant up and kissed his cheek and went straight inside, to save us any awkwardness.

I just got a text from him saying night, and want to text back but argh.
Argharghargh.

There is no possible, possible, possible way on this whole entire earth that I am going to Vicar Road's party on Saturday.

Na-da.
Not happening.

I can't go! It'll upset Josh if I go. He obviously had nothing to do with inviting me, because I'm sure he wouldn't have wanted me to come.

Oh and there's also no way I'm being put into a Powerpuff Girls' costume. The guys at 110 would really love that!! Heartbroken Lilly turns up in a bright pink costume with ginger hair. Put the soundtune on as we walk in...

It sounds like a great party, but I'm just not going, however much Lauren begs me.
Okay so she's just ran into my room, stole my sewing machine and then rang back out. I swear she's got the mental age of a 5 year old! She gets so excited. If she's planning on making me feel guilty by making me a PP girls costume then she's got another thing coming, because I'm stamping my feet on the ground... and not going!

Must not think about Josh
Must do fashion story
Must eat
Must not think about Josh
Fashion story.
Fashion story.
Fashion story.
How about the jock style? Floppy hair, baggy jeans, jumper, converse.
?
...Must not think about Josh.

Why oh why do I do this to myself!! I can't believe I've only just got out of bed, drank myself stupid last night, fortunately wasn't ill and thankfully slept for a long time, but I missed this morning's lecture and I have to go in in an hour to make some bits for my dress. Need to get some breakfast but that's the last thing on my mind right now.

In fact I might just stay in bed all day. Or until forever. Or until graduation, when SFS is gone, never to be returned.

A blissful thought.

I've had enough... I'm going out, and I'm dragging Camps out with me. I've moped around all day, thinking how much I've screwed up - 48 hours ago Josh and I were basically on the verge of being an item, and now I haven't heard anything from him and I feel awful. I feel bored. Sad.

But stuff it I don't have to stay in and be sad about anything, so I've just slipped on a dress and put on my make up, and we're going to hit the union!!

Even after all this, after everything Camps, Josh and I have gone through over the past few weeks, it absolutely thrills me to know that now that it's all come to a standstill, everyone hates Summer.

Everyone.Hates.Summer.

They think she's a total and utter whoreface. There's not a word on campus about Josh and I; all the talk is about SFS and how she screwed her social status up, all by herself, with the help or absolutely no-one.

And it's always nice to get one over on the old bitch.

LJ

Josh's Mum threw the perfect party. I loved it. In the end I decided to wear hardly any make up and just have my hair straight, to tone down the dress a little bit. And it seemed to work; Josh couldn't keep his eyes off of me. There were scores of girls there, and I was the only one he looked at.

Which is why I'm so stupid for cooling things off and telling him that we can't get back to how we were. I feel awful; the look on his face made me feel even more awful, and I felt even even more awful because I knew the effort he was going to to try and make things better. But I just can't do it - I look at him and after five seconds of smiling to myself and thinking 'that gorgeous guy can be mine' i suddenly stop and think 'no, he's Summer's, and he's always going to be.' Every time she wants him, she may be able to have him, and I can't live with that.

Everything was so perfect as well. Josh looked uber delish in a white shirt and dark jeans, with his trademark converse on. I liked the way he looked at me; I liked the way his hand fell naturally on the bottom of my back as he introduced me to everyone as 'Lilly', and I love the way he went to the effort to introduce me. I love the way I caught him grinning at his Mum when he thought I wasn't looking, and I loved the way he pulled me onto his lap when we were sat in the corner by ourselves, laced his fingers through mine and openly started a kissing session in front of anyone who was looking. I loved the way he hobbled around trying to look macho. And most of all I loved the taste of his kiss, and his squidgy lips, and how they felt on mine.

This is stupid.

But I just can't do it.

Me and Camps went dress shopping today and bought some gorgeous from Topshop, I'm in love with them both!! I've got down to a size 6 too, quite pleased with myself! So effortless!

So anyway I haven't given Josh a definite answer yet as to whether I'm going. And I still feel that I want to pull out, but know that I have to go. I'm driving, so I've got Camps relying on me and Tammy's coming so her as well. I do want to go just argh if I have a drink I'm probably going to end up telling Josh how I feel, and I don't want to ruin his party.

I'm also worried about the impression his family are going to have of me. I adore his brother and spoke to his Mum before but what if everyone starts talking about Summer? Or how much of an idiot my brother is? What if Josh has told them that it's all my fault?? And what if I look too tarty, or not dressed up enough? Argh.

were going to a parttttyyyyy!!!! and hopefully its gonna be less dramatic than the rest of them!!!!!!

im gonna try my hardest to look after lil i mean i know how upset she is with josh still even though shes going over to see him etc etc so hopefully he will really try and prove himself to her in front of his family and friends....

eeeeeeee i looooove parttttiiessss!! im guessing its lets-go-dress-shopping-time!!!!!!!!!!!!

xxoxoxo

LILLY JENSON
FRIDAY, 10TH OCTOBER 2008
21:29
LJ ON ... TRYING TO FORGET

Josh called me earlier asking if I wanted to go round if I had nothing to do. I was really surprised that he asked, but he sounded in a really good mood and I found out when I got around there that it's because he got the place on the training squad. I'm really pleased for him, he deserves it.
Anyway, so when he opened the door Josh looked cuter than ever, really tired but really happy to see me. He was hobbling around and looked as though he was in lots of pain but he cooked dinner for us even though I offered. I tried to eat most of it, he's a really good cook, then we hung out in his room for a bit, just talking about things.

Argh I'm so annoyed with myself because he was trying really, really hard. He knew the situation and how upset I am about the whole Summer thing, and he's trying sooo hard but in my head every time I look at him all I can think about is him sleeping with Summer. It's been gnawing at me ever since I found out, and I'm so jealous about it, I can't stand the thought of them being in bed together.

I mean I know that we weren't even properly dating at the time, it was just that stupid week-long thing, him trying to cheer me up, and if he slept with anyone else I really really wouldn't mind, but Summer??? Didn't he realise what he was doing??? I was really hoping that something would work out with us, I really did. And that's my fault, because I shouldn't have pinned my hopes on it, but if something did work out how much would it have taken for him to sleep with her again? I mean we all know what she's like. So if she can seduct him so easily...

Argh. It's doing my head in. And I think he knows how I feel about it, I can see it when he looks at me.

He said he'd really like it if I came to Cambridge with him tomorrow for a celebration party at his house. I really, really want to, but there's just something holding me back. After our dates I thought he was the most trustworthy guy on the whole planet, now I'm not sure. I mean I still hardly know him, it's just the Summer thing really hurts.

I came home this morning for my hour lecture at 9, and sorted things out with Camps. I feel so much better about it now that I know I have her by my side. It was all a misunderstanding - isn't everything?? - and she didn't have anything to do with what happened between Josh and Summer.

Talking of Summer, walked by her on campus on the way to our lecture, and she didn't look best pleased. Especially as my head was held high, my hair freshly blow-dried and my favourite Hermes bag was on my arm. She did look a little worse for wear, and was obviously hoping that I'd turn up to class looking like shit. No such luck, I'm afraid.

Talking of Josh, we still haven't talked because when I woke up this morning I was alone in his bed, all wrapped up in his gorgeous smelling duvet. I went downstairs and he was asleep on the sofa, looking totally uncomfortable, one arm and leg draped off the side of it. He was topless and I saw the big bandage on his stomach - I feel so bad for it. I shouldn't have said anything to my brother, especially as it put Josh's tryouts in jeopardy. But I've spoken to my brother about that and hopefully it's all sorted.

Anyway, so Josh was looking cute as ever, his hair all messed up and his gorgeous body out. Honestly, I wish things could just go back to how they were before last week... but I don't know. He's just so god damn gorgeous, everything about him. His face is pretty cut up and I feel really bad for him, what with him missing time off uni and rugby and how bad he obviously feels about everything. I can remember his blog web address but daren't look on it again; I feel as though I'm snooping. But maybe he's been reading mine all along? Never know.

I've just been really bad and done something I shouldn't. Anyway, to that in a minute... I'm round Josh's house. After everything that's happened, I knew I had to go and apologise and I did yesterday, only to be greeted with Summer and Ollie. Seems as neither of them should have really been visiting, I felt really gutted that they were both there, and in a moment of paranoia wondered if they had all hatched a plan to well and truly screw me over. Not the case, at all, but anyway I was even more gutted to hear the nurse call Summer Josh's girlfriend. Then it seemed that Summer had told the nurse that just to get in the good books, and I was surprised when Josh spoke up and told the nurse I was his girlfriend, not Summer. Technically not true, well, not true at all, but anyway...

So then Josh had a big massive go at me about what Corey did to him, which I really didn't blame him for - he's got every right to be mad at him because it's down to me that he didn't get his place in training with my brother, especially as Corey said he had definitely already given it to him. I was just about to turn to leave when Josh called me back, and he was stood there next to me. His eyes were really soft and I knew he felt guilty about anything. I couldn't believe it when he went to kiss me and the nurse interrupted, telling him he could go home. I helped him with his things and we got a cab back to his house. I felt really awkward going in at first, with everything that had happened, but I cooked him some dinner and made sure he was okay, and got the impression he wanted me to stay a while.

Anyway, I ended up telling him about me and Ollie. He asked, and I didn't want to lie to him. It felt good to tell someone about it, someone who I knew would really care - I know Camps is always there for me but sometimes she's too wrapped up in her dream world to really make a difference, bless her. I sat down next to Josh and next thing I know I've woken up this morning in the same place, with Josh asleep next to me and his laptop open on his lap. I took it so I could catch up on things and email tutors telling them I wouldn't be in today, and couldn't help noticing his blog page up. I didn't even know he kept a blog.

So I know it was kind of wrong for me, seems as I guess it is kind of private - well mine is anyway, even though I know some people read it - I read some of his entries. It actually almost made me cry. After reading them I realise how much he cares about me, and how cut up he was about what happened with Summer last week. I think he's still a bit mad at me for doing what I did, and I'm still mad with him for doing what he did, but reading his blog I just... I didn't realise he was such a big softie. He's always this macho, cool guy with a confident smile and good jokes and wonderful charm and when we went out on those dates I got to see him in a better light but even then he still maintained his cool, strong character. It's kind of nice to see that different side to him.

I don't know what's going to happen from now on but hopefully things will start working themselves out. I know I need to go and talk to Camps and sort things out but right now in Josh's room I just feel really safe and welcome, and I like that.

I can't believe what happened between Corey and Josh yesterday. I'm so angry!!!! I can't believe Corey went for Josh like that, I'm so so so upset with him! After being so sympathetic towards him as well! I'm so upset, I don't know what to do, I mean I really want to go and see Josh to apologise now - well, I need to - but he's not going to want to speak to me now. And it's going to seem like I'm just there to give him sympathy, not because I really want to be...

I'm so upset. I made Corey drop me straight home last night, so I've been in the flat all night but haven't been able to sleep. I'm sure everyone's talking about it but I haven't seen the outside world yet this morning so no-ones asked me about it and I haven't heard whether Josh is okay or not. He was all cut up and looked to be in loads of pain yesterday. I feel so awful.

I don't even know why I was so surprised to see Josh there yesterday, I just hadn't thought about it and connected him to the rugby try-outs, even though he's in Hallam's first rugby team. I should have realised but I've been so preoccupied with everything... so I was really surprised when I saw him and he looked surprised to. I told him Corey was my brother - something to get me one over on Summer FS clearly, by the look on her face - and Corey was singing Josh's praises saying that he had definitely been given the slot because of how amazing he was. I was kind of happy for Josh, even though I was so mad with him... anyway it was really awkward between us both, then Corey came over and asked how we knew each other... and I was such a bitch, I should have known what would happen when I told Corey Josh was the one who messed me around... and then suddenly Josh was in a heap on the floor and argh I feel so sick thinking about it.

I have to go and talk to him.

Just waiting for Corey to finish some kind of rugby training at Hallam. I think we're going to go and catch a movie and then stay over somewhere close by. I love the effort he's making to try and make me feel better.

I spoke to Mum today and she's really gutted for me too. I wanted to speak to Rebecca, I was feeling a bit homesick but she's always out, either with her boyfriend or her friends. I'd love to be 18 again... just rewind the whole thing and start over...

Jamie texted me today, which kind of didn't help the situation. He said he had heard about what happened [who hasn't] and was sorry to see me upset. Not that he really cares, after what he did.

Come to think about it, they've both got it on with Summer FS. What is it about her that I haven't got?

Been staying with Corey since the party, he's been looking after me bless him. I haven't seen him for ages, it was nice to be able to catch up and have someone to talk to when I needed it. Me and my brother are really close, probably closer than me and Bec, and he's looked out for me ever since I could remember. He was really nice about the whole Josh thing, although he reckons he's a good guy and just got caught up in everything. Corey knows how manipulative Summer can be, and said Josh was probably all innocent in it. I tried to explain that it's not innocent to take someone on a string of dates at the same time as shagging her worst enemy, but Corey said that if Summer pounced on him he probably wouldn't shake her off (eww.)

And then he said that I should probably return to uni and try to carry on with things as normal as possible. So here I am. He's picking me up again tonight after lectures, and he made me promise that I will go to them. I don't really want to go to class with Camps, and I'm praying I don't bump into Josh, because I feel I'm not ready to talk to them yet, but i've only got 2 lectures and I can easily slip in and sit right at the back by myself.

I still feel so awful about what Josh and Summer did to me, I get upset whenever I think about the dates we went on. And I don't know why, because I shouldn't have been looking into it so much in the first place. I should have known that Summer would use it to get back at me. I don't even know why I didn't really consider it; just plain stupid really.

If I bump into anyone today I'm going to scream. And then probably run.

I think I need to hide away and never come out again, for the rest of my life. I have never been more humiliated by all of the people I love and trust. I've never been more upset and felt so alone.

I knew something was going to happen, I could just tell; everyone was on edge, all of my friends looked concerned for me, and all of the randoms stopped talking whenever I entered a room. And it wasn't because I was wearing Alexanda McQueen.

It's all a bit of a blur at the moment, mostly because I can't bring myself to think about it...

The night was going perfect. Jordon drove us all over to Manchester and we checked into the hotel [which Josh didn't let me pay for - guilty conscience?] Our rooms were more or less next to each other and me and Josh got settled in ours. We were laughing and joking and having a great time, I had a shower ready and he helped me into my dress. I was so pleased with the way I looked, my dress was really casual but gorgeous and my hair was poker straight. Josh wouldn't stop telling me how beautiful I looked, and he really made me smile. When I came back in from the bathroom Josh was standing topless in the bedroom. And he has the most fantastic body I have ever seen. He's so broad and due to his rugby, he is absolutely ripped. Six pack and all. Totally tanned, toned perfection, and he doesn't even know it. He looked really shy, and then I was shy when he caught me looking. Anyway, he pulled me over for a kiss but the door knocked and Jordon burst in, greeted with the sight of my hands around topless Josh's neck, him just about to bend his head down to kiss me. Cue another embarrassing moment.

Anyway, we all got ready and walked round the couple of blocks to Ollie's house. I was really nervous and didn't know what to expect from Ollie, I didn't even know what to expect from Josh; were we allowed to hold hands? Kiss? Or just act as friends?

I shouldn't have been worried because things were really comfortable all night, apart from the little whisperings going on behind my back. I just put them down to rumours about me and Josh being together, and didn't worry about them too much. Everyone got really drunk and the party spilled out into the garden, and me and Josh found a quiet place to sit and have a little kiss. He was quite drunk but was still so nice and gentle and ahh he was amazing. He really was.

As soon as Josh got up to leave, Ollie came over and sat down in his place. It was quite late and both of us were really drunk, but I told him that I didn't want to speak to him. Like before, I didn't want to ruin the good night we were having and I didn't want to argue. But Ollie was having none of it, telling me that he needed to apologise before he went home, and that he really regrets what happened and never meant to hurt me, and can't believe that he- and then Josh interrupted. He had been stood there the entire time, with two drinks, in his hand, whilst Ollie blurted out that he shouldn't have done what he did to me. Josh looked curious, and not in a good way, and he asked us what we were talking about. I told him nothing, but he sat he had heard what we had said, and wanted to know what Ollie had done to me. And then Ollie just admitted it. I couldn't believe it, he stood up and admitted that at Josh's birthday party, he had forced himself on me in our hotel room and we ended up having sex. Josh went mental, absolutely crazy. He grabbed Ollie and threw him to the floor, and I tried to get him off but couldn't. They were best friends, I couldn't believe they were fighting and I hated the sight of Josh punching my best friend, but I just felt so helpless. But then Ollie said something that made Josh suddenly stop - "well we all have secrets don't we, I'm not the only one". I looked up at Josh as he looked at me, before letting go of Ollie and starting to walk away. Ollie called after him, asking him if there was something he wanted to tell me. My heart was beating really fast and I couldn't really keep up with what was happening. But I went after Josh and took his arm and asked him what Ollie was talking about. He denied knowing anything about it, but Ollie kept persisting, saying that if he was going to be in the shit with me for his secret, then Josh was going to be too for his secret. I kept asking Josh what secret, and I could see that he was clenching his jaw to stop him from getting upset. Then Ollie gave in, and told me that whilst Josh has been dating me, he was also sleeping with Summer.

I thought it was some sick joke at first until I looked at Josh and he looked as though he was going to be sick. I couldn't believe it was true; Josh tried to start explaining but I didn't want to hear it; I couldn't believe it, he's been sleeping with Summer? I didn't want to know anything else. I felt sick and I just had to get out of there. Everyone was looking at me in the garden, and it clicked; everyone knew. I asked Josh, if everyone knew, and he said he honestly didn't know. And I believed that. But I couldn't believe anything else that came out of his mouth, or Ollie's. Camps came rushing over to me and I tried my hardest to keep my tears in, mentally telling myself that no one was going to see me cry. I managed it, telling Camps what had happened, but her face dropped and I realised that she knew as well. And then I felt broken; betrayed by the three people I loved more than anything in the whole world.

I rushed inside, and there was Summer stood in the doorway, smiling smugly like she had been doing the day before. I slapped her. Really hard, because she deserved it. I didn't stay to see her or anybody else's reaction.

I was back at the hotel within five minutes, but Josh had the key. I sat down outside the door to our room as I tried to get everything to sink in. I realised that everything he told me must have been a lie, else why would he go and sleep with Summer? The ultimate betrayal. We weren't exclusive, not at all, we were merely dating so to sleep with anyone else would have been his business, but Summer? They had probably planned it all along to screw me over.

When I next looked up Josh was stood in front of me, out of breath with his chest heaving, mud on his clothes from his fight and tears in his eyes from guilt. He handed me the key, but I couldn't take it. He had nowhere else to go and neither did I. I pushed myself up from the floor, and remember feeling really dizzy. As soon as I got into the room I was sick in the bathroom, and straight away felt Josh by my side holding my hair and rubbing my back. But I flinched at his touch and he moved away, standing in the doorway. I grabbed a flannel and washed my face, staying sat on the floor by the toilets, not daring to look up at Josh. I still hadn't cried, and was determined not go. I tried to push myself up but felt too dizzy and almost fell back down again before Josh grabbed me. I tried to get out of his grip, but he wouldn't let go of me and helped me onto the bed.

It was silent for what seemed like forever, and Josh sat next to me. I didn't look at him, and I didn't cry. Finally, he started to explain, and I just listening without saying a word.

He said that it happened only the once, on thursday. And it only happened because Summer had set the whole thing up with plans to seduce him. I can't remember anything else that he said. I just remember wanting to go to sleep and block it all out. I remember standing up, turning to Josh and telling him that he had no self-control or self-respect. His face was so sad as he looked at me, but he knew where we stood. I took my dress off, not caring whether he was looking or not, and turned the light out before getting into bed and trying to go to sleep. I heard Josh shuffle around a bit, before settling somewhere other than the bed. And only when the room was filled with complete darkness did the tears fall.

Jordon drove me back to Sheffield this morning. When I was, Josh was asleep on the coach. I think the only reason he didn't wake up was because he didn't get to sleep until the sun came up - I heard him trying to get comfortable all night. Jordon didn't ask any questions, and I didn't tell him anything. I was so grateful for him driving me home, especially as he had to go back for the others.

I tried to get to sleep but it's not worth it. And I should have known it wasn't worth falling for a guy like Josh. I should have known he was too perfect to be true.

And Summer got her perfect plan sorted. I'm not up for the games any more; she's hurt me more than she ever can.
She's won.

I haven't been to dinner in god knows how long! It felt so amazing to be wined and dined tonight, Josh is such a gentleman! When he told me earlier that he was picking me up in the car, I guessed we were going somewhere a bit posher and probably a little out of town, so Camps helped me pick out a dress and she did my hair for me all pretty. And I was right! When Josh picked me up he looked sooo lush in a crisp white shirt and some jeans, his floppy hair a bit more in place than usual. He looked a bit nervous for some reason; his eyes were a bit different, but he might have been nervous? Anyway he has a gorgeous brand new black golf, I love it, even if he does drive a bit like a maniac!

He had reserved us a table at Prezzo, I love it there! I don't know how he knew; he may have asked Camps? Anyway, he took my hand as we walked in and it was really funny because the host called us Mr and Mrs Baker - do people get married that young these days?! Anyway, omg we had such a good meal, it was great I really loved it, but Josh was really quiet. I asked him once what was wrong, but he said it was nothing so I took his word for it, didn't completely believe him though.

I asked him what happened when he went round to Summer's house, and he tensed up a bit so he must have still been really mad about it. He said he yelled at her and made her promise to leave me alone, which was really great of him even if I do doubt it'll ever happen.

Anyway it was the most perfect date, and Josh refused to let me pay even half towards the meal; he insisted on paying for it all. I had had a few glasses of wine and was quite tipsy when he drove us home. He walked me up to my room again, [and thank god no notes this time] and ahh it was just all so lovely. Josh kissed me goodnight and I swear it was even better than our first kiss!

Okay so I am totally in awe of him, which is not neccessarily good. I never in a million years thought this would happen, so I'm just going to see how it goes. What harm can it do?

We talked about going to Ollie's party, and Josh had agreed with me Camps and Jordon to get a hotel room booked. Josh didn't even ask why; that's what I like so much about him.

I have a massive goofy smile on my face, and I've got a feeling it won't be moving any time soon!

I bumped into Josh this afternoon outside the union, he was with his mates and I was with Camps. Everything was fine, but he seemed a bit quiet and withdrawn, and looked as though something was bothering him. He walked me to class so that we could have a talk just between ourselves, but he told me everything was fine and he just wasn't feeling too good. But he said that we're still on for dinner tonight, and I'm really looking forward to it. I was too shy to kiss him goodbye, and things were awkward for almost a second, but he kissed me on my cheek and gave me one of his gorgeous smiles before telling me he'll pick me up in the car at eight. Eee!

Okay so Camps told me last night that Ollie's planned a house-warming party for tomorrow night. I really, really don't want to go. Even though I've had such a good week, I can't stop thinking about Ollie and what happened between us. And now that things are happening (kind of) with me and Josh, I've got a feeling things are going to get really complicated. I don't think anyone else knows about it, but if Summer finds out she is going to have a field day, and I can't have that. So we need to go along tomorrow and be totally normal, which is going to be hard, because Ollie really hurt me and screwed me over and I can't stand facing him. I miss him so much and wish things could go back to normal but I just don't think it's possible.

We can't stay over so I'm going to see if Camps and Jordon want to book a hotel with me, and I was going to ask Josh as well although it does sound a bit wrong doesn't it?!

I walked past Summer and her clan today outside campus, and she had the smuggest smile on her face. I don't know what she's got to be so happy about??

I'm trying really hard not to say that the night's been ruined, but it looks as though that's the way it's gone. Argh it was such a wonderful night, I have truly utterly fallen for Josh.

Okay so, from the beginning. We went to see Tropical Thunder and it was really funny. Josh bought us popcorn and coke although he ate most of it! When we got out it was dark and really cold, and Josh held the door open for me before he took my hand. Took my hand. Yep, he held my little hand in his big hand, as if it was the most natural thing ever. The conversation didn't stop until we almost reached my flat and he turned me to him and said, I quote: "Lilly, I know this is probably not what you want to hear right now, but I really, really like you." And I was just about to reply, honestly I was, before the security guard interrupted us and asked us to move out of the way to let a car through. So that kind of put an end to that conversation...

Josh walked me back to my flat, he came into my room because there was a party brewing in the kitchen, and that's when everything went wrong. I found a letter pushed under my door. I can't remember what it said because Josh took it but it was something along the lines of me watching my back, because Summer is Summer and Summer has contacts and I'm not as popular as I think I am, yadda yadda, and that I can't have Josh because he's not all he's cracked up to be. yadda yadda. And there at the bottom was scrawled SFS's signature. It was really threatening and looking back on it now I'm angry, but at the time it really upset me, and Josh got really angry. He gave me a big hug and tried his hardest to cheer me up, and when I looked up at him he took my hand and kissed me, in the kind of duck-your-head-under-mine-and-place-a-soft-wonderful-most-perfect-kiss-on-my-lips. I was a little shocked at first, and Josh pulled away a little argh and he looked at me with his delicious eyes before putting his hand at the back of my head and kissing me again. oh my god how much of a perfect kisser is he? and he was wasting it all on Summer friggin Francis-Smith!

Ahh it was amazing. Just the way he put his hands up to my face and pulled me closer to him and ahhh it was perfect. But it had to end. I could tell that Josh was really angry, he was all tense and he took the letter off me and told me he had to go. And then he apologised and left, just like that.

I don't know who the hell Summer thinks she is. But I'm not about to give in anymore.
As said before, I really mean it this time. This is war.

I'm really looking forward to my little date with Josh later. I really want to go; I never thought I would! He's such a great guy. Argh, what do I wear? I went shopping today in my lunch hour with Camps and bought loads of clothes but I don't know what to wear, I mean we're only going cinema but... argh why do I feel as though I want to impress him!? I really like him, don't I?!

This is too soon though. I'm not prepared to jump straight into a relationship again. I can't do the whole lets-see-each-other-every-day thing, and seems as me and Josh only live a couple of streets away I guess that can easily happen. Can't slip into that. But if Josh wanted to ask me out again after this week, then I think I'd be more than happy. I'm sure Summer can be easily dealt with.

Argh okay so I have four hours until he comes around to collect me. Yep, he's coming around to my flat to collect me... no more meeting outside of places. I'm excited... I was too young when I got with Jamie, there was no excitement/dates/Josh.

Here goes!

Omg omg. I can't believe it. I'm so stupid!!! But I'm grinning from ear to ear!! And typing really fast to try and get it all out, as perfect as I remember it... ahh here goes!!

Okay, so Josh was already waiting outside Fenwicks when I got there just after seven-thirty. It was really cold and I was all wrapped up in my coat and scarf, wondering whether I had a red nose and looked like an idiot. Anyway he looked soo cute stood there waiting, his hair falling out of his hat and a huge smile on his face (calm down)

So anyway, he greeted me with a hug and he smelt soo good and he made lots of jokes about taking me for a burger, before I linked my arm into his and we walked. Dinner was great! I wasn't all that hungry, but the conversation just wouldn't stop flowing, it was amazing, we just had so much to talk about! There was no mention of Summer or anything that had happened lately, it was all nice, light conversation and jokes, he really made me laugh and smile all night, ahh it was great!

And here comes the big part... okay. SOmething clicked inside of me. It was when he said something about my hair, he was complimenting the way I looked and our eyes caught for a little longer than they should have. And his eyes were all dark and sparkly and chocolaty brown, and he had this most handsome smile on his face... and his hair was still spilling out from his beanie and it was just... I don't know. Something clicked. And I don't know what it was, but I sat there with a feeling of contentment inside of me. I loved sitting in Handmade Burger Co with him, munching away and talking. We were sat next to each other, really close, and I just couldn't bring myself away from him.

Afterwards when he walked me home we were linked arm in arm again and that's when we started talking about more serious things. Josh asked me why I didn't tell him about what happened between me and Summer on Monday, and I explained that I didn't want him to feel guilty about it. And I mentioned that I didn't want him to cancel our dates, as I was quite starting to enjoy them.

When we got to my student accomm he came inside the gate with me and walked me to the main doors. Then we had a minute where we were stood facing each other and he stepped forward and I swear I almost stopped breathing for a second. Josh told me that he had had a really good night, and he was looking at me with those brown eyes again, and then he leaned forward and I thought he was going to kiss me but the main doors burst open and his kiss eventually landed on my cheek. Which was good enough for me. He waited until I was inside and everything. And now, as I sit here, I realise it.

I like Josh Baker. He has totally, utterly charmed me.

I haven't heard anything from Summer since our little showdown on Monday night. This doesn't neccessarily mean it's a good thing, as I'm sure it means she's got something up her sleeve. Which I'm totally ready for, I mean everyone at uni won't stop talking about how I put Summer Francis-Smith in her place. They all seem to be rooting for me, and Summer's not going to like that. I don't know what she's got planned this time, but whatever it is I'm sure I'm going to be ready.

I'm supposed to be going out for a burger with Josh tonight. I do really, really want to go, but I don't know whether I should. Summer was absolutely fuming on Monday, and I know I shouldn't give a damn, but however much I need to get revenge on her, Josh isn't the right way to go about it. I really don't want people thinking that this is why I'm going out with him. Not going out going out, just going out. Btw.

Camps said I shouldn't care about what everyone thinks and I know that, I was doing so so well but the thing with Jamie is still fresh and everything's happening all at once, and what with him and Ollie and Summer and Josh it's like argh I still need to get my head straight. Wednesday is one of my days off so I've been to the library this morning to get some books, it's a good distraction from everything. Josh hasn't called or texted so I'm assuming I'm still expected to meet him outside the shopping centre at 7.30.

And okay so I'm nervous. But that is a whole new kettle of fish.

I'm Lilly, I'm 20 from Leicester. I'm just about to go into my second year studying English at Sheffield Hallam and I'm loving every minute of it.

I love my friends, my family, and a Starbucks white mocha with cream. Welcome to my world!










September 2008
October 2008


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